WHAT THE !
by Alyssa Verkee
Summary: Twilight cliches! I mean honestly! I cannot stand another Edward is a man-whore story!
1. Edward is a ManWhore

**I cannot find a good story to read. It's all awful cliches. I read some of the _Attack of the Cliche's _forever ago, but they stopped updating. I have no idea what they wrote, so I'm gonna try to do what they didn't. Which is impossible...lol. But I'll have a bunch of cliche's here for you to read, and maybe some recommendations of GOOD fics. And If you could review or PM me with some good ones, that'd be fantastico. (:**

**Edward being a whore.**

Bella: Nobody likes me... I'm so plain and ugly.

Alice: It's okay Bella. Maybe one day you can be as happy as me and Jazz? Even though we are all in highschool, and no one else is getting married, we are, and so are Rose and Em.

Bella: I don't know Alice. I'm just so ugly.

Alice: Let's have a makeover and make you hotttt!

-18 hours later-

Alice: I barely changed your clothes, your hair, and I BARELY put makeup on you and you still look the same after 18 hours! YAYYYYYYY!

Bella: Wow! You barely did anything in 18 hours! But I feel so beautiful now! Let's go to school now! What perfect timing!

Alice: Hop in my expensive car!

-at school-

Bella: Edward Masen is sooooo cute. *swoon.*

Alice: If I wasn't with Jazz, I'd bang him like your mom did guys in 1990.

Bella: I know! My mom is such a whore! She cheated on Charlie.

*Edward is getting head on the sidewalk*

Bella: I wish I was pretty enough for him! He only likes blonde beauties like Jessica.

Tanya: You ugly bitch! Get out of this school!

*Edward stops Jessica.*

Alice: Gotta go when you need me the most! Goodluck Bella! *leaves

Edward: Bella. You are so beautiful all the time. I'm such a whore. I hate every girl, but I'm in love with you.

Bella: M-m-m-m-m-m-me t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-too!

Edward: I'm done with every other girl. I felt nothing for them!

Bella: Let's live forever and ever together. I love you Edward. *moves hands to belt.*

Edward: I want to wait with you, Bella. Even though I've had sex before and we have nothing to worry about, let's torture our selves for fun!

Bella: I love being so moral and perfect. Just like you!

Edward: I love you Bella. Let's go inside and pretend like we've known each other for a long long time!

**That was horrid. Oh, well. (:**

**Well, my one story for you to read is by EightDaysAWeek. It's the Original Sleephumper. **

**You've prolly read it because it's amazing, but if you haven't read it, DO!**

**Please review. Or flame. Idgaf. The flames you provide will help cook my dinner. I'm poor. :P**


	2. Creepy Characters

**I got four reviews within an hour, which is pretty awesome for being a no-name writer. (:**

**Yeah, I know that alot of people have these things, so stfu. I wanna do it, so I will. All of it is original so it shouldn't matter. So I'm better than you, na na na na boo-boo. Stick your head in doo doo. Thank Uncle Daniel for that. (: **

**Next on the 'OMFG I WANT TO KILL MYSELF ATER READING THAT' list. Over exaggerated characters with retarded plots. I mean honestly. Emmett isn't THAT stupid. **

**Creepy Characters:**

Bella: I'm so ugly. I'm going to go to my perfect boyfriend's house.

*walks outside*

Bella: Oh, my perfect truck. Even if the door barely opens and it only goes 5 mph, it's the most beautiful thing besides Edward. Even though he has $239572397230, I don't want him to spend a 1/10000000 of it on something I need.

*drives to the Cullens.*

Alice:OMFG! I SAW YOU COMING SO I'M WAITING FOR YOU! YAYYYYYY! LET'S HAVE A MAKEOVER!

Bella: I hate being done up, it makes me beautiful even though I already am, I think I'm ugly.

Alice: Edward is coming... OMG YOU ARE SO CUTE TOGETHER!

*SCREAMS SO LOUD THAT I HAVE TO TYPE IN CAPS*

Edward: Hello love, I love you so much, love. I love you, Bella, love.

Bella: Oh Edward, you are so dreamy. Why do you love me?

Edward: How can I not love you, love? You are perfect, love.

Bella: Let's go inside, Edward.

Emmett: I'm gonna yell your name and laugh loudly. OH, BELLA! HAHAHAHA!

Bella: Why did you randomly laugh?

Emmett: I don't know, I always seem to laugh when I see you! HAHAHAH!

Rosalie: Bella. I hate you. Get the hell out of my house you stupid human whore!

Edward: Rosalie, do not say that about my love.

Emmett: POTATO! Even though I'm a super smart vampire, I'm always really stupid!

Rosalie: That's why I'm always so hot and bothered around you.

Alice: OMG EEWWWW! I DON'T NEED THAT MENTAL PICTURE! BELLLA!111111111111!1111!1!1!1! MAKEOVERRRR!

-7 days later-

Alice: YOU LOOOOK SO BEAUTIIIFULLLLLLLL!

Bella: I'm gonna try to seduce Edward like I do in EVERY SINGLE FIC even though he has strong moral beliefs.

Edward: Oh. Love, you look lovely, love.

Bella: Let's do it.

Edward: Love... I don't know, love. I can't, Love. Want to go downstairs?

Bella: ...

Edward: What, love?

Bella: You didn't use love in the last sentence.

Edward: -rolls eyes.-

Emmett: BELLA! YOU SURVIVED HAHAHAHA!

Rosalie: I hate you bella.

Bella: I'm sorry Rosalie...

Rosalie: I'm hot, let's get it on Emmett.

**heheheh. (:**

**Am I the only one who notices that everyone over uses the word 'love'? yeah, edward uses it. but not THAT much.**

**Read 'Bella Runs Over A Cat' by ktbminnie12 it's freaking hilarrrrrious.**

**Flame, whatevs. Idgaf once again. Just review. mmkay, thankies, Hasta Manana!**


	3. Disfunctions

**I only got two more reviews you a-holes!**

**EFFIN REVIEW!**

**mmkay, this next idea disgusts me: Carlisle and Bella. HONESTLY HE'S 400 YEARS OLD! Besides that, he's her boyfriends dad. It's just ... wrong. AND completely unrealistic. And sometimes, the endings are even worse.**

**Disfunction:**

Bella: Um, Edward?

Edward: Yes. Bella?

Bella: I suddenly have the hots for your dad. I always thought he was a beautiful vampire, but now I wanna bang him.

Edward: What? This shouldn't ever happen!

Bella: I know, but some idiots don't know what to write about and they make me want Carlisle. I think I'm inlove with him!

Edward: But Bella! I love you, and you love me! This is absurd!

Bella: Even though Carlisle is happy with Esme, I want him. Byeeee!

-hunts down Carlisle.-

Carlisle: What are you doing up here, Bella?

Bella: Even though you heard Edward and my conversation, I should tell you that I want you bad.

Carlisle: Even though I feel no physical attraction towards you, I'm gonna abandon Esme to have sex with my nearly adopted daughter.

Bella: I'm going to forget about Edward and how much I need him to live.

Carlisle: I want you so bad. Let's do this.

-Bella and Carlisle have wild animal sex-

Bella: I want you to change me and we'll live forever.

Carlisle: Okay I will. ZOMG A UNICORN!111!1111!11!1!1

**This one was pretty bad, but it's true. It's gross. **

**Flame whatever you want. Reviews matter. If there's a big number it looks good. ;)**

**Next one will be Bella and Edward being friends then secretly loving each other...**

**I mean really. You want a side of epic with that fail?**


	4. Paramour

**OH MY GOD REVIEW MORE. JESUS. How hard is it? I'm a reviewer. I always review. So effin do it!**

**Anyway. Moving on.**

**Bella and Edward being friends than falling in love.. or secretly loving each other. Uhm puhhleaaase.**

**Some of the stories are FANTASTIC but it usually starts to get terrible when they have FIVE KIDS.**

**Paramours:**

Bella: Hey Edward! I totally secretly love you and we both know, but act like we don't!

Edward: Hello Bella! For some reason I can read emotions in your eyes like nobody's business!

Alice: Hey guys! YOU BELONG TOGETHER!

Bella: -blushes-

Edward: -looks away-

Alice: You didn't deny it! -skips away like a schizophrenic fairy.-

Edward: Hey Bella, let's hold hands and walk to our first class together, even though we are only friends.

Bella: Yup only friends! -hides pain in eyes but Edward sees it.- Isn't it convenient how we have every single class together?

Edward: Oh, No.

Mike: Hey Bella! Let's go on a date!

Bella: I'm ... busy.

Edward: If you really want to... -looks sad.- you can.

Bella: -sees pain in his eyes.- No, that's okay Mike. I have to study.

Mike: Whatever, bitch.

Edward: -punches Mike.- DON'T TALK TO HER LIKE THAT! EVEN THOUGH I TOTALLY AM APPARENTLY NOT IN LOVE WITH HER, I'M DEFENDING HER LIKE I AM!

Bella: Oh my, Edward. How could I ever repay you?

Edward: Let's go.

-end of school day-

Bella: You seem tense, Edward. Are you okay?

Edward: Yeah Bella, let's go to my house where I hope I can tell you I love you, even though I shouldn't.

-In his room. Both laying on bed, ready to sleep.-

Bella: Even though NO PARENT would let us lay together, your parents let us sleep in the same bed.

Edward: Bella, I'm in love with you.

Bella: Sayy WHhhhhaTTT?

Edward: ...nothing.

Bella: I LOVE YOU EDWARD ZOMG! OMG WTFBBQ!1!111!

-super makeout session.-

**FIN. **

**YOU GUYS BETTER REVIEW! FOR SERIOUS!**


	5. Bella gets WHAAAA

**A/N: I totally abandoned you and left you guys hangin'! I'M SO SORRY! It's summer time. No more finals. I'm free for a couple months. :)**

**SO. Here is Bella randomly being pregnant after Edward Leaves in New Moon. I HATE THOSE STORIES (for the most part) REMEMBER. Not all of these types of stories are horrible, but they are way over used. And also. I loved the comment about my grammar being bad. NO SHIT, SHERLOCK. Anyway. Keep reviewing you little foxes!**

Bella: OUCH. MY TUMMY HURTS.

Jacob: Oh, Bella! Are you okay? I'll love you forever!

Bella: I think I'm preggerrrrs!

Jacob: With a vamp baby? Hell NAW. I'm outta here!

Bella: BUT YOU LIKE SAID FOREVERSZZZZZZ!

-Edward comes back, and sneaks into Bella's room at night.-

Bella: -hears sound and randomly yells out -EDWARD?- even though she hasn't seen hhim for like a year.- Oh, it could never be him...

Edward: Bella. OMFG. I FUGGIN MISS YOU.

Bella: IM PREGGERZ EDDIE.

Edward: YAY! Wanna forget this happened and be in PERFECT HARMONY/LOVE AGAIN?

Bella: FORGET WHAT? I LOVE YOU !

-Alice pops in- SQUEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!111!1!11!1!-

**A/N: I hope that satisfies you guys since I haven't been on in a while. Y'all should like subscribe to me, not my stories so that you can get updates for all of them. AKA this one and Ahh! Zombies! Lol. GO READ THAT. **

**Luff you guysss :)**


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